Update from the frontier.

The last couple days have been pretty tough mentally for me. In 6 weeks of prep, I have lost 4 pounds. This past week I was waking up at 3:45-4:00 to get in fasted cardio and was at the gym for 2 hours each night. I was exhausted, hungry, and an emotional disaster.

One day I weighed in and gained 5 pounds. Even though I know this can be water weight or just a fluctuation in my body, mentally it killed me.

Yesterday, I met with my trainer. I was holding back tears while doing leg lifts.
After talking to her, I have to push the competition back until April 9th. I am not excited about this because this means I will be in the last week of prep on my birthday. But I wont be ready on April 2nd. She is advising that maybe I will have to push it back more if my body doesnt start responding.

At the end of this week if I am not down 1.5 pounds, then I may have to rethink the competition plans. My body is not responding. My upper body is cut and is making progress. The rest of my body is holding on to fat with all its power. I physically can not give anymore without it impacting my work and personal life.

So yesterday, I spent the day crying, thinking, writing, reading, and resting. I don't want to pull out from competing. I never quit. I am competitive with everything I do and this is not an exception. I will feel like a failure if I have to postpone the competition date.



This is killing my emotional and psychological well being. My trainer noted that because I was already training so hard before prep mode, that I don't have anything to shock my body. I already was doing too much cardio so it isnt responding.

My trainer made a very good point. If I am not enjoying this, then I need to evaluate what I am doing. I am investing in my body, not in a competition. This doesn't end in April, this is my life. I have chosen to not have an average body and that means I wont eat like the average person and I wont train like the average person. This is a life decision I have made.

On the positive side, I get a cheat meal this week. HOLY HELL. I cant decide if I want to have it here in Chicago and indulge in something I know I love or wait until I am in San Francisco. I am pretty sure I will cheat here so that I can sit in the moment and enjoy it:)

So that is where I am.... the good, the bad, and the ugly. This week I need to truly evaluate why I am training for the competition? Is it making me happy? Is it what I truly (deep down inside) think that I need right now? Is it impacting me in the wrong ways? Am I joyful, happy, and living wholeheartedly? Am I doing this because I am chasing a vision of perfection?
(yes I need some pictures in these posts)