Reclaiming ME

My mom and sister in law came in to town for part of the weekend. I leave on Tuesday for San Francisco (for work). They came in to pick up Nala. I also think that my mom is going to keep Nala until I am closer to the competition. This last week, with the additional cardio, left Nala at home alone most of the time.

Having family come in to town made me realize a lot. I realized I am too uptight, too controlling,and too restrictive. I am losing the ability to live in the moment, live in the now, and seize each moment. As my mom and Kim came in and placed their belongings in my apartment, I immediately wanted to clean organize and put away everything. They brought disorder into my world. Boxes, bags, food, and drinks were scattered through my apartment. Of course this made me crazy until I realized I needed to sit back and enjoy my time with them.

Now I sit in my empty apartment and miss them (and Nala). My apartment is tidy and clean. They made my bed, cleaned up their stuff, and took back off to Michigan. And I realize that I need to allow my life to be thrown in disarray more often. I need to let go of this boxed world I live in and let things be. I sometimes wonder if this competition is just making things worse for me.

Instead of enjoying life, I worry about how I am going to get my next meal in. Instead of hanging out with friends and relaxing, I obsess over the food that I can't have. I wake up with my meals packaged, weighed, and precise. This is impacting me psychologically. It's allowing me to box in my day to day regimine even more.

My lack of weight loss has resulted in me feeling depressed. I feel that my hard work and effort are not paying off. I am not quitting and I will compete; however, I do wonder if I need to step back and take care of my emotional well being before competing again.

The last 5-6 months have been rather challenging for me. My recent break up opened my eyes to a lot of personal issues that I need to work on. Now I see my flaws magnified. I know that there are major changes that I need to make so that I can live a wholehearted life. I just finished Brene Brown's "The gifts of imperfections" and it discusses joy, love, life and wholehearted living. It is a great book and I suggest reading it. It has made me really think about what I am doing, how to make changes, but most of all how to live in the "now."

So after they left today, I decided to act on what I was feeling. I finished my fasted cardio while reading the magazine "O." Then I ordered a subscription of "O" after being inspired by the stories. I turned the TV off and decided to keep it off until I leave for San Francisco. Instead of TV, I will listen to music. Instead of TV I will read, write, blog, or enjoy the silence. I also went and ordered books to place on hold at the public library. I made a book list of those that I still want to buy or read. Right now the self help and relationship books have been very helpful for reflection.

Here are some of the books on my list: (just a few of them)
1) The alchemist
2) I thought it was just me (Brene Brown)
3) When the heart waits
4) Comfortable with uncertainty
5)The dance of connection
6)Can't buy my love (about advertising and its impact on women)
7)The Soul of Money
8) Broken Open
9) Would you do it if you had no fear

I am stressed and worried about packing all my food for San Francisco. My goal is to just "be" in every moment, live in the now, and take it one day at a time while I am there.

So today I will leave you with a couple quotes that have really helped me today:
1)"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do." Brene Brown

2)Dance and live like no one is watching because if they are who really cares. (I paraphrased this)